your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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