My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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