someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
