well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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