I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
