Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(909): View more from California

I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

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(909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part. http://tfl.nu/wibn

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(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

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(216): So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab http://tfl.nu/z45l

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking

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(401): I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking http://tfl.nu/g7j3

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(231): View more from Michigan

We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee

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(231): We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee http://tfl.nu/m4t7

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(512): View more from Texas

He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.

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(512): He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone. http://tfl.nu/7h78

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(949): he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect http://tfl.nu/b9u3

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(252): It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there. http://tfl.nu/94gv

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(+61): can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room http://tfl.nu/484e

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(602): As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by. (208): I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby. http://tfl.nu/looi

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(740): View more from Ohio

besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

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(740): besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right? http://tfl.nu/pxhk

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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(973): Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius http://tfl.nu/trod

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(802): View more from Vermont

Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"

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(802): Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way" http://tfl.nu/zpi3

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

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(479): I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/32cb

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(810): View more from Michigan

So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.

(989): View more from Michigan

this is the most serious roommate agreement ever

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(810): So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way. (989): this is the most serious roommate agreement ever http://tfl.nu/m5zb

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