I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.