what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
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I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize