The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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