I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
