so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
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doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.