Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.