The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea