I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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