Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
