hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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