when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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