"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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