You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
