fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"