I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.