Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
