So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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