i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
