Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
