Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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