If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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