I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?