ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.