Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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