3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
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I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
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That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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