3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
