i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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