You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.