No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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