i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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