I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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