You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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