Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
