I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
