i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
nutella sex= disaster
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
