He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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