____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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