my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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