i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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