his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
