i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
