Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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