We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
