Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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