the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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