I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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