Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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