i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
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Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno