If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.