Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.