Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
